If m’boy Jürgen doesn’t win this, then there’s not really a point to the term “Public Intellectual”, now is there?

…Then again, it is Foreign Policy magazine. You wouldn’t be an FP reader if you liked Zizek, and weren’t a toolbag.

Just when I was finally [FINALLY!] coming to terms with my American citizenship, this had to happen.

Seriously? America, you suck!

R. Kelly Watch: April 25th

R. Kelly has a new vid for ‘Hair Braider’

This concludes the April 25th edition of R. Kelly Watch.

Centurion of the New World Order got pwned!

Would that I were that hero who PIED THOMAS FRIEDMAN IN THE FACE.

[Brown Daily Herald via IvyGate]

[Update: There's video- I almost feel bad for him, but as Alex says, it's okay to feel bad for Tom as long as I feel good about him being pied in the face too!]

Reason #3489 to adore Erykah Badu

How many people have you truly loved?
I’ve always wanted the best for everyone in my life. Except for one person: Bombita. She was in the fifth grade with me. She can die.
What?
She was mean. She used to step on my toes, anything to make me mad. I hope she’s a ghetto statistic. And if that keeps me out of Heaven, then so be it.

[OhNoTheyDidn't via Genny]

If I was famous I would make my shit-list public too. In fact, this is the only reason I find fame desirable at all!

R. Kelly Watch: April 21st

Mariah Carey was my first diva-crush. [Can one help it when one is 10 years old and witnessing her father can-can around gleefully to 'All I Want for Christmas'? Nay, one cannot!]

When Robert “Real Talk” Kelly sang ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ in Space Jam, my eyes watered. [Okay, I cried. But only because I was so happy those Looney Toons beat the monsters! Also, the Bugs 'n' Daffy Rap!]

So, it’s no surprise that, to this day, public freakouts and peeing on minors aside, these two are very high ranking in my Pantheon of Pop.

So, when the Party Pit’s Jenny Z. suggested the idea of a Mariah/R. duet [in the wake of Mariah's new MAMAMAZING single Touch My Body] my first knee-jerk instinct was to do what every self-respecting social activist does: Start a Facebook Group!! I know that only 66 other Facebook users besides me currently feel as passionately as I about a collaboration between these two Masters of Pop and the Postmodern Condition [manifesto forthcoming!!], but given that the two considered a duet for Emancipation of Mimi, I have mustered up the little optimism for the world that I have left and channeled it in hopes of hearing the two, together at last.

Well, this is not a duet, but it still brought tears to my eyes. Please enjoy responsibly. Or, irresponsibly.

[Mariah Carey featuring R. Kelly - Touch My Body (Remix)]

[RELATED: R's Upcoming Single KISS YOUR CANDY. In a word, Majestic.]

This concludes the April 21st Edition of R. Kelly Watch.

Facebook’s Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman is famous because of his pop Psychology hit The Five Love Languages (Subtitle: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate). For some reason this book is on my parents’ bookshelf, along with the Teen Version. Generally, we prefer to scream about Arab Nationalism or Marx or the semantics of the term ‘Tribal’ at the dinner table, so I don’t know why this is on their shelf [it's on the bottom shelf of the 'Applied Linguistics' section. Yes, we have an 'Applied Linguistics' section. And people wondered why, at age eight, I already wanted a PhD], though my mom is known on occasion to cite one of the Big Five as one of our love languages. [Mine is Touch. My brother Joel, who is known for being obnoxious and mooning people, is an Acts of Service guy. Stefanie, who is the most self-confident sixteen-year-old in existence, enjoys Words of Affirmation. Get my drift?]

Anyway, Chapman [who doesn't even have a Dr. prefix. Hmmm. Oh well, probably more legit than Dr. Laura... I hope.] posits that there are five Love Languages [no more, no less] and that each human has a preferred Language and that is how you and your mate can be compatible. By knowing and recognizing and catering to their love language of choice.

The Big Five?

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Receiving Gifts

• Acts of Service

• Physical Touch

Yeah, yeah, so there’s maybe some kind of legitimacy, as in: I like it when my S.O. brings me coffee in the morning [Acts of Service!], and I like huggin’ and kissin’ [Physical Touch!], and yeah, it’s kind of nice when Gentleperson Caller tells me I’m Da Prettiest [Words of Affirmation!], but confining me to one Language? That just seems silly! Especially in Century 2.0- that is, Now. Shouldn’t the Five Love Languages be adapted to the cultural context that we’re in?

Thus, I present to you The Five Love Languages as translated by Facebook. Do Enjoy, and tell me what yours is so I’ll know how to treat you on the Popular Social Networking Site next time I am logged in.

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of, say, eating dinner with my family, you’re probably perplexed as to why we are all so damn loud. Well. Now you know!

“THIS OPTION IS NEITHER HELPFUL NOR ENJOYABLE”

So you know how I HATE ‘People You May Know‘? I guess Doree Shafrir hates it too!

I also recently penned this semi-desperate email to privacy@facebook.com:

Please, I am begging you, get rid of the “People You May Know” option, or at least make it optional for users, or make it so that users can make themselves not show up on “People You May Know”. This option is neither helpful nor enjoyable, and the bulk of peers whom I have discussed it with all agree.

They have not gotten back to me yet.

“Classics” get co-opted

You have got to be kidding me [Via]. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! The Grey Lady picked this up OVER A YEAR AGO. When when when are you little ectoplasms going to fucking give it up and leave it for people who actually have an affinity with Arab Nationalism? You want to know why I started wearing a Kheffiyeh? Because I was a ten-year-old in Egypt and my dad [not to mention copious other father figures] wore one and I wanted to be as cool as my dad. Do you Actually Want to Free Palestine? That’s cool! Just don’t let a really great fashion symbol get co-opted by a bunch of assholes who don’t know what it means.

Who am I kidding? I might as well throw mine in a Goodwill bag full of Che shirts.

[Do you wear a Kheffiyeh sincerely? Perhaps you ought to check this out.

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is me wearing a kheffiyeh not three days ago. I am also wearing a vintage leather jacket, an American Apparel t-shirt, black skinny jeans and Vans, and I am drinking a 40. I know, I know, I'm a fucking asshole. At least I admit it when I haven't read the book. [sometimes.] -Ed.

I have some horrible news.

Why, God???

I know it’s trendy to hate Facebook

..but I fucking hate Facebook.

11:26 AM me: i really hate that ‘people you may know’ feature on facebook

11:27 AM Alex: really?

it helped me find some people

me: because it’s all people i’ve defriended

Alex: ahahahahahahahaah

me: i really hope i don’t show up in theirs

thats so disconcerting

theyll know that i found them dull and uninteresting

11:28 AM Alex: haha i’m glad my facebook profile has managed to fascinate you for so long

me: oh not their profiles, as people

they were dull and uninteresting

11:29 AM Alex: ohhh ok

11:30 AM me: anyway, it turns out that i shouldnt have defriended them because now ben dwertman has more friends than i do on facebook

11:31 AM Alex: oh man annie

in some ways we’re so alike

and in others so different

and

11:32 AM Allison: i got refriended by someone i defriended

me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

bah humbug! I’m going to go play Scrabulous and check my NewsFeed to see if I made it into anyone’s “Favorite Quotes”.

[This post is dedicated to Genny, fellow facebook lover/hater, and Ben Dwertman, who I promised would not get quoted in my blog. -Ed.]

This Weekend: Four